


Ask me anything

by drunkbert



Series: The dark season of life [3]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Depressing, Flashback, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad, Saulbert - Freeform, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-13 02:24:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12973665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkbert/pseuds/drunkbert
Summary: I call the light hope. And I call the hope Sauli.





	Ask me anything

**Author's Note:**

> I feel need to say sorry for writing stuff like this but I feel so inspired when it comes to darker fics.

 

Life is systematic.

A routine.

Soon you don't notice you are actually living it. You probably realise it yourself when everything falls apart - you see everything from the eyes of someone else. A light wooden night stand close to my bed, the shape of it, the little details which I had never noticed before. When you are alone, you start to think. World is suddenly right in front of you. The night stand is just its material form. A happy person doesn't break the routine. It goes on and on until shit happens. The pain is real. It opens your eyes. For me routines are everything. I'm spontanious but I need something safe and familiar to hold on to. It got taken away from me a long time ago.

Pity.

But now everything is real. Maybe a bit too real. I see the negative side of the world clearly. I understand how selfish people actually are, I know how little most of them care.

It's your battle.

 

 I have noticed I prefer silence over music. I just sit in my bed, covers thrown away, completely alone in my house, in the darkness, and listen to nothing. I might make small movements after my legs start getting too numb, nevertheless I stay as still as I can. Make the world stay in the moment.

 

Being alone makes me face the bad side of living, the one I don't want to be part of. I don't wish everything to end because I still have a light inside me, telling me to push forward and fight.

I call the light hope.

And I call the hope Sauli.

My dear Sauli. The love of my life. How did things get so bad? And when did they? A moment ago we were sitting at the sofa in my living room, Sauli cuddled close to me with all his million pillows over us both, while we were watching a movie. A horror one. Sauli used to jump a bit and then start laughing loudly when something startled him. I loved his laugh. It was full of life, positivity, sun, confidence, self love. When was the last time I heard Sauli laughing? Months ago? Years? He had changed but people usually did. It was normal, I had assured myself for too many years. He was broken. Completely broken. And so was I.

 

 A deep calming breath in...and out.

 

My hand searched for the wine bottle I had placed on the table on my left side. Alcohol - my new best friend. It welcomed me, greeted me in the shop, wrapped me in its embrace and soothed - it calmed me down when I was on the edge of panic attack, it helped me let go of the normal hectic life, it comforted me, it was a way to escape. Escape from what? Reality. It hit me harder than ever before with depressing thoughts and wishes, dark intentions which were out of this world. I found myself thinking what was the meaning of life.

Life.

If I was alive why did I feel like dying?

Death.

Have you ever wondered what happens after we die? I talked about it with my friend once;

 

 "I believe in Heaven and Hell", she had said firmly.

  
"I want to believe that there is something waiting for us after we die, an afterlife, or something. What about you Adam?"

 

  
I remembered the conversation better than yesterday. I had nodded and smiled impossibly widely, so widely it had hurt my face.

 

  
"I just...want to stop existing", I had said, hiding my smile from my friend.

  
"Nothing? Doesn't it make you feel anxious?"

 

  
Anxious? I'm anxious all the time.

 

"Well, yeah", I had lied.

  
"But think about how..." I had paused, trying to find the right words how to describe it.

  
"...peaceful it would be", I had turned my head to her, wanting to see her reaction. A part of me had wanted her to see it in my eyes, the ask for help, while the other part had made me feel guilty for even thinking such a thing.

 

Ask for help?

 

You?

 

The voice in my head had laughed. 

 

  
 "Wow, that's so deep, Adam", she had chuckled airily.

 

She hadn't got it.

 

The hint.

 

It had been so hard to hide my disappointent.

 

Crushing.

  
"Adam?" She had nudged my arm.

  
"You okay?"

 

  
I had got another chance. I had smiled. Maybe next time.

 

  
"I'm fine."

 

  
A single tear had left a wet spot on my jacket.


End file.
